Grimlock ♥ Ultra Magnus

This is going to be full of ranty rage.   I was looking forward to this book for so, so long - and it sucked so, so much.   

 

Hate.   HAAAATE!

 

 

The writing itself was decent, but the continuity was awful, as was the way that the authors misunderstood the characters so much.   I think any authors who write in the Aligned continuity should know the Aligned continuity.   It's like these guys didn't even watch Prime.   Oddly enough, that's more accessible than the Covenant of Primus - and yet this didn't conflict with the Covenant.   In fact, it mirrors the Quintessons backstory in the Covenant.   And while even the Covenant and Prime have continuity errors, the Covenant is deluxe, gorgeously illustrated, and has less errors than this book.   Not only that, at least the author of the Covenant understands the characters. 

 

"That the no-name Orion Pax could become Optimus Prime was offensive to every self-respecting Decepticon."   

 

Not sure if this was meant to be a wink to the revelations in The Covenant, but it's still really neat.   One of the few things I did enjoy about this novel.   

 

"There would always be pretenders to the throne, but what was leadership without the occasional opportunity to grind would-be usurpers down to their basic components?"   

 

And this is actually a good explanation for why Megatron keeps Starscream around: to beat him down when he gets to uppity, and to remind others that he can do the same to them.   It's a question that's bugged me for a while now, and I haven't found an answer that satisfies me so far.   This comes close.

 

"If he'd had a sense of humor, he would have giggled.  

 

Fortunately for those around him, he didn't."

 

Soundwave.   Giggling.   Disturbing thought, and also very out of character.   I feel like even the impulse to giggle is out of character. 

 

"'No, I'm just wondering why we have to stick our head into the meat grinder,' Ramjet said."

 

Mmmm.   Ramjet.   Also, since the 'Cons look down on organics, and they haven't come to Earth yet, how do they know what a meat grinder is?   Even if another civilization had one, it's doubtful they would have the same name for it. 

 

"'Hey,' Ramjet said, 'it's still got the Requiem Blaster.'"

 

Mmm.   Ramjet.   Mmmm.    The requiem Blaster.

 

"He watched on the screen as Starscream fled for his life, dodging shots from several pirate pursuers.   Now that was a vid-clip he'd enjoy putting on repeat view."   

 

Yeah, that actually sounds surprisingly in character given how casually Megatron - and Optimus Prime - speak in this novel.   Their speech patterns are very off, as are some of their thoughts. 

 

"'Their fleet is, too,' said Soundwave."   

 

Wait, Soundwave who never speaks and has taken a vow of silence?   

 

"Soundwave stepped forward and double-clicked on a schematic.  'This was how they simulated the Autobot distress signal, my lord.'"

 

He's officially spoken more than in three seasons of Prime.   Why?   It's never explained, and it's not even acknowledged that the authors are aware that this takes place before that time.   (Like in a forward/afterward note.  Combined with the awful characterization and other gaping potholes, I suspect they just didn't watch the show, and therefore were unaware that Soundwave doesn't speak.   At all.)

 

"That Shockwave would have ordered an edifice built in his own image surprised no one unfortunate to deal with him directly."  

 

Except that he's a consummate scientist who prides himself on not getting emotional - at all.   He's all over the place cray-cray and emotional all over this.   What the fuck?   It's not all how he's portrayed in Prime, or even in the first three fourths of the Covenant.

 

Why is Rodimus not Hot Rod?   Rodimus is a ridiculous name.   Rodimus Prime is a ridiculous name for a Prime.   Then again, this from the team that brought you Hubcap.

 

Prowl: "'The chief weirdo-I mean, the Curator.'" 

 

Prowl is pretty much like Ultra Magnus, very stiff, very professional, very into rules and regulations.   Calling anyone 'weirdo' is not something Prowl would do.

 

"...it shifted into a medium-size greenish robot with an enormous black mustache."

 

'Taches.   Why are they on robots?   

 

About Prime: "'Then you screamed out Megatron's name and blacked out,' said Jazz."

 

PRIMUS, THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN FIVE STARS IF IT HAD GOTTEN PORNY NOW!  

 

I mean, um... yeah, that didn't seem like he orgasmed so hard he passed out thinking about Megatron.   At all. 

 

"...career halfway around the galaxy looking for the AllSpark..."

 

I assume this is careen not career.   Although... I suppose both the big M *and* OP kinda turned that into a career.

 

"'Last check-in was near a series of deep sea trenches in the souther sea.   Then they fell right off the grid.'"

 

And into the trenches.   Boom!

 

"Beside him, Bumblebee stood up, emitted a series of beeps, and then expelled water from his various sockets."

 

Congrats to Michael Bay.  He's managed to turned Bee+public urination into a trend.   Also, I may hate Bay now...

 

"Kup lit the cy-gar."

 

Because that's just what robots need.   Cigars.  What in the pit?   And yes, I know, Kup has, like, smoked them forever.   It's never made any sense to me; it still doesn't. 

 

"Bodies littered the road."

 

Curls up in corner and cries.   SO MANY DEAD ROBOTS!   

 

 

Wheeljack thinks this.   WHEELJACK!   "But Ultra Magnus was the boss, and it was his decision.  No one was about to second-guess him."

 

He is UM: "But he smiled warmly at as Wheeljack and Springer entered."

 

I already blogged about the clusterfuck that both of these quotes represent.   I'm not gonna retype that all, so cut and paste job, and original link.  

 

For those who don't know, I love him.  I lust after him.   I'm very well acquainted with his role in Prime - and again, same continuity as this book.   In this book, he is all like, 'let me smile warmlyat you my Wreckers!'

 

Because that's what he's known for.   Smiling.   And not frowning.   /Sarcasm. 

 

Wheeljack is always like, 'no one second guessed Magnus, 'cos he's the leader!'   WTF?   

 

Okay, let's clear this up for those who don't watch and pick apart Transformer Prime episodes.  In Prime, it was made clear that Magnus took over the Wreckers because they were, well, reckless.   And he hated that recklessness.   If he were going to smile warmly at someone, it wouldn't be the Wreckers!   He didn't put up with Wrecker style back when he'd taken leadership - to make them more orderly, nor in Prime time. 

 

Not only that, Jackie not only second guessed Magnus, he disobeyed orders, and was happy to do it.   He chafed under Magnus' rule, and his distaste for that, in how much he distrusts Jetfire and doesn't think Magnus should trust him, at least shows some hint that the authors understand the characters.   At all.  

 

The continuity is completely fucked.   I mean, it's almost like they didn't watch the show this was based off of...

 

At this point, most fan fiction I've read in the Aligned continuity has been more aligned with said continuity than this book.   So irritating!

 

ETA: different continuity, but here: http://allhailgrimlock.booklikes.com/post/616051/more-than-meets-the-eye

 

Quote about UM and frowning: "Your new crew mates, Ultra Magnus.   Why are you frowning?  I mean, why are you frowning even more than usual?"

 

Which I originally posted here: http://allhailgrimlock.booklikes.com/post/774927/ultra-magnus-

 

"'That's an unworthy statement,' Ultra Magnus said sternly.

 

'Doesn't mean it's not true,' Wheeljack persisted.  'It's not like a Prime can't lose heart.   Look what happened to Sentinel Prime.'"

 

So, what happened to not second guessing the boss bot?   No wonder this book can't stay true to Aligned continuity.   It can't even stay consistent within the rules it lays down within the book.

 

"...switching to humanoid form."   

 

Since they haven't gotten to Earth yet, humanoid form is lazy writing, to make it easier for us to picture their robotic form.  Fail.   

 

"...humaoid form..."

 

Still a fail for the same reason.   This book falls back on using human phrases that the Cybertronions wouldn't know all the time.   

 

"'My fait in peace has been battered by millennia of fighting,' Optimus said."

 

Because that's not totally out of character.   Even at the darkest moments, OP has always believed in peace, and that it's possible. 

 

"...he sported a particularly fancy goatee."

 

Because the only thing that could make a particularly fancy goatee more ridiculous is slapping it on a robot. 

 

"'That was naughty of you,' Starscream told him."

 

Not what Starscream would say.   He'd be far more snarky. 

 

"'A trap,' Jazz repeated, practically grinding his teeth."

 

Like the trap you fall into by using teeth to make this easier on you, and not having to distinguish them as a completely different race?

 

"'That's Optimus leadership for you, everybody!   Fling the most important artifact in history into the cosmos just so you can spend your entire life running around looking for it!'"

 

Oversimplifying things, but funny.

 

"Optimus ground his teeth."

 

Same trap.   You're falling into it again, authors.

 

"With Bumblebee down on the planet and Hound lost back on Cybertron, Hubcap was the best scout remaining."

 

Of course he's third choice.   He's called Hubcap.   It's probably what he turns into.   They have how many Autobots to chose from... and they go with Hubcap?

 

"He grabbed Megatron's arm, shifted his great weight, and flipped Megatron over his shoulder and onto the floor with such force that the whole room shook.   Waves of energy pulsed across that floor.   Which then shattered."

 

What can I say, Megatron makes OP scream and black out?   OP makes the ground beneath Megatron shake.   WHY DIDN'T THIS TURN PORNY NOW?

 

"Springer and Wheeljack double-teamed their opponents..."  

 

I swear they're doing this on purpose.   So many ways this could have turned porny... and didn't. 

 

"'Everybody shut up and let Wheeljack do his stuff,' Ultra Magnus said..."

 

Nope, 'stuff' is not what UM would say.

 

"Shockwave sat in his personal maglev car."

 

On Cybertron, the cars apparently have cars. 

 

 

"He'd have to watch his back from now on.   Not that that came as news in working with the Decepticon leader." 

 

Although apparently it does, because you were like O_O  You're gonna kill me?   But... truce...

 

Right before you're like, 'no surprise that I can't trust you.'   Um, what now?

 

"For once Shockwave had no quick rejoinder.   Instead he seemed to be genuinely upset."

 

Um... Shockwave?

 

"When he spoke next, his voice approached the desperate."

 

Shockwave's voice is toneless.   Always.   What in the name of Primus is going on with him here?

 

"Thirteen shadowy figures were seated in thrones around the room.   Optimus decided they were there to show his Spark the way."

 

Except that he's one of the Thirteen.   Wouldn't he notice that?

 

Let's go back a bit to this quote, though: "It was like a wave of nothing but razor-sharp teeth; Brawn and Ramjet barely had time to scream before they were pulled beneath the water.   A few more moments and oil slicks rose to the surface."

 

"'And now it's practically been depopulated,' said a wearily Megatron as Ramjet..."

 

And yet, no explanation of how he survived.   What in the pits of Kaon just happened?

 

"For just before I was cut loose from Vector Sigma, I glimpsed something.  A blue-green world."

 

Niiice.   Earth!

 

There's the Seekers - heavy on the Seekers, actually.   Devastator.   Omega Supreme.   There's three separate stories - the Decepticons on the Nemesis, the Autobots on the Ark, and those left on Cybertron, although again, the two factions each have separate stories on their home world.    While the plot weaves these together eventually, it's too little, too late, given all the other errors.   The narratives jump around so much, too, that it feels divisive.   I liked very, very little about this novel. 

 

I may not buy sequels if they hire the same authors to write in the Aligned universe.