Grimlock ♥ Ultra Magnus

"(Who the fuck are we kidding?   No one is going to write a review about this shit.)"

If my internet friends are like my family, they're going to start calling me no one and laughing like crazy. 

"...hot garbage sex in a dumpster."

Is this a thing?   PLEASE, PRIMUS, TELL ME THIS ISN'T A THING!

Couple caught having sex in a dumpster on youtube.   I think I hate you, google+morbid curiosity...

"With this close-cropped brown hair, icy-blue eyes, strapping chest and muscular arms, Jackal is God's gift to slutty women like myself."

Which is odd.   Usually God punishes slutty women in the bible, instead of giving them gifts.   Like hot men. 

Also, nothing is more attractive than slut-shaming yourself. 

"By day he's your typical Hollywood actor, filming iconic military movies that do big business at the box office.   But by night he's a feared black ops soldier who goes after the deadliest terrorists on Earth."

Well, this sounds completely plausible.   Because neither being an actor nor a black ops soldier are careers that call for staying in one place for extended periods of time.  And I'm sure that keeps him well rested, which he'd need to be to stay at the top of his game in black ops.   Although there is the whole military wanting people to take pictures of their guys on black ops missions, because they recognize him from movies. 

Did I miss any other plot holes?  I got bored, so moving on. 

"'Lett, this is Jessica Fox, the slutty roommate I'm always complaining about.'"

Yay, more slut shaming -_-

"Both veterans shudder in revulsion.  Unbeknownst to them, my pussy has suddenly become quite moist at the thought of having sex in a dumpster."

Why?   I mean, it's cramped, it smelly, and... I just don't get this. 

"'Outta my way, bitch!'   Jackal hollers, pushing the Channel 6 cunt into a table full of barbecue ribs.  I cackle at the sight of the Channel 6 cunt getting drenched with barbecue sauce."

To all the characters in this: 

"I finally pull my mouth away so I don't drown in an ocean of semen (although they are worst ways to die.)"

Because worse and worst are the same word,   Also, my head is about to explode at how degrading this whole thing is at this point."

"I know it sounds crazy, but smelly, stinky garbage sex is like the ultimate aphrodisiac for whores like me."

Sighs.   Just... I can even take the self slut-shaming at this point, so I'm gonna point out that the generalization bugs me.   Even if some 'whores' love the idea of this, I'm not sure all of them do.  

And since you're not taking money for sex, I'm wondering what your definition of 'whore' is. 

"Once again, I know it sounds borderline disturbing, but I'm getting super turned on by how filthy and nasty Harry is."

Look, I'm not into dumpster sex, or 'hot garbage sex' or whatever, but I don't want to read about a heroine who calls herself a whore/slut constantly - but is like, "oh, this is so disturbing and gross, *giggles*," as if that makes this any more edgy.   You like it, just accept it.   

Because, MC, I just want to slap you for... like everything. 

"...super--duper moist pussy..."  

Well, that's the final nail in this coffin. I mean, I know I want my heroine to sound like she's in second grade when talking about getting turned on.   /sarcasm

"I giggle like the sex-strafed nutjob I am..."   

Dear MC, die, please die now...  I hate her so fucking much. 

"I've had sex in all sorts of exotic locations with all sorts of insanely sexy studs, like Bigfoot, a vampire, and even extraterrestrials."

Just so we're clear, these are two of her 'insanely sexy studs':

Which she seems comfortable about bragging about.   But dumpster sex is where she draws the line.   Does not compute. 

"I let out a small gasp as Harry slides his pinky in my stinky."

"With sweat pouring down his ruddy-red face and his cock thrusting in and out of me so quickly that it's nothing but a blur, Harry bellows to the high heavens, "GARBAGE SEX IS THE BEST SEX!!  GARBAGE SEX IS THE BEST SEX!!"

And this is the point where I went, welp, this can't get more ridiculous.   Except the next line is this:

"I CONCUR!!' I holler back.  'I CONCUR!!'"

Concur just seems rather formal for agreeing that garbage/dumpster sex is the best sex.   

"...that bitch-ass cunt from Channel 6..."

Because why wouldn't you want to leave on an even more misogynistic note than ever.   Dear book, fuck you.   

I literally just clicked on the first three GIFs from my Transformer GIF folder - aka the porn folder - just as a gift for me.