Grimlock ♥ Ultra Magnus

R to the power of three.   Awesome, right?   Only if by awesome you mean I'm not looking forward the shitty kraken-sex/triceratops sex buddy reads I have lined up for today -_-  Yeah, I'll take those over the Robocop reboot.   When you're slinking further and further into your seat, embarrassed for the people on the screen, and giggling at all the wrong moments, you know something is wrong. 

So, things I liked about the Robocop reboot: 

1. Sexy black armor. 

2. Sexy collectable on his sexy motorcycle. 

3. Sexy mini-poster

4. Sexy fight scenes between Robocop and robots

5. Sexy visor

6. Dr. Norton.   He was kind of awesome.

7. Samuel L. Jackson swearing.   Again.  

8. The sexy motorcycle.   Which I would hump until I orgasmed. 

9. All the orgasms I had from the pretty and the sexy.

10. Female chief of police.   Pretty awesome.

11. The guns.   The guns were hot. 

12. They used the original theme.   A little. 

Things I didn't like: 

1. Why did they keep his hand?   Not even his arm, his hand?   I mean, other than to give him a fleshy, fragile target other than his face when his visor is up?   To humanize him?   Because they never really make it clear, so it just looks weird.   He's taller than, like, any of the humans, and in black fucking armor.  It's kinda hard to forget he's a cyborg.   The hand is not disguising that fact, nor making him more human, or whatever they were trying to do.   What the fuck?

2. Why did they put red lights on the back of his visor?   Yes, I understand, his footsteps clump, but they're not louder than like ten machine guns going off at once.   All the light on his visor and the three lights on the back of his head do is go, 'here's his brain!   Have fun killing our 2+ billion dollar project, criminals!'

3. What was the main message of the movie?   The power of the human mind/spirit?   Man vs. machine?   Oh, and then there were all these themes: free will, political corruption, corporate corruption, technophobia, warfare/legal enforcement and how to make the world safer without putting humans at risk, international warfare, police corruption and probably more.  I can't remember because they scattered so many messages throughout that movie that you were like, 'what is this about?'   And some of them, like how to skirt laws by going overseas, could have been interesting if they were explored more fully.   The director was so interested in telling so many stories, as were the writers, that it didn't get the attention it deserved. 

4. THE UNSEXY!   I cannot unsee it.   Why did you do it?   Why did you bring it back for a second round?   I didn't want to see it.  No one wanted to see it.   You make me sad, movie. 

5. The boring.   Primus, the backstory was unnecessary.   You certainly could have told it more quickly.   It just dragged on and on.   I have eyestrain from rolling my eyes so much at all the scenes they could have cut out. 

6. Robot death.   There's a lot of it.   Fuuuuck!

7. The family issue.   I thought it might be sexy to see his wife and him trying to work it out after he was all cyborged up.   Nope, it was just boring and made the movie more of a mess than it was without that aspect.  All the tension that could have come along?   Didn't work.   It just managed to drag the movie out some more, so they had a two hour product.

8. Jack Lewis.  Jack.   What the fuck?

9. Only human sex.   No sexual tension at all between Murphy and his wife, at least not after he's all armored up and sexified.

10. Calling him Alex all throughout.   What?   Why?   To make him think he's in control?   Whatever it was, it didn't work.   The first worked because he couldn't remember who he was, and there was this struggle, and it was all watered down in this version.

11.  The villains.   Lame, totally lame villains.   Remember how good they were in the first movie?   Right.  Now make them suck as much as they were awesome in that movie, and there are your villains. 

12. Murphy - I'm sorry, Alex - going after the villains.   It just was so much more awesome in the first movie.   

13. The human sex.   Gross. 

14. What they did with the female chief of police.  Not awesome. 

15. Lame jokes.  'Bad cop, Robocop.'    Laaaame. 

16. Maddox.   Maddox was an asshole.   Sellers was an asshole.   So many people were assholes.  It was like they tried to cram in as many unlikable characters as possible into that movie. 

17. Sellers.   They gave the Old Man a name.   Him not having a name took the focus off him, and showed that he was just some CEO who was making decisions based off business.   By giving him a name, and this whole hoopla, and a larger role, they took the focus off some of the other billion themes they had in there, muddling the movie even more.   But this really, really got to me: the whole thing about that character was that he was nameless, and had no story other than the small parts of him you saw on screen.   

18. The public knew who Murphy was.   Why?   Why didn't some lawyer get in touch with his wife, why wasn't his family put into protective custody after his child was harassed so much on his way to school he refused to go?   There was just a whole big logic fail that they didn't acknowledge because it helped move the plot along.   What?   

19. They only used the original theme a little.   In fact, all of the music was misused, especially 'I Fought the Law' for the end credits.

20. That I didn't care enough to stay and see if there was a scene after the end credits.  I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

21. No tie-ins.   Because I would love to have an art book with the pictures of the sexiness. 

Y'know what?   That's all I want to list.   This movie was a hot-fucking mess, and I don't want to think about it anymore.  I'm mad after how good the previews made it look, to be honest.   I feel like this is Transformers Retribution part duex.  Which I wanted so badly and sucked so bad.   

Fuck you, Robocop Reboot.