Grimlock ♥ Ultra Magnus

Awful garbage that uses sexual slavery as a cheap plot point, has gaping plot holes, shitty grammar and tentacle loving.   

 

 

9% in: "Her vibrator wasn't cutting it, and she needed to get fucked, but she didn't want a guy, nor did she want a girl.   Hell, she didn't want a human.   Human relationships were messy, and long-term gigs were difficult.   Few guys liked their woman to be cops.   They got pissed off when the woman of their dreams was more badass than they were." 

 

So, you don't want a relationship and your vibrator wasn't cutting it... so you're going to have a tentacle fuck you?   Yeah, this seems like the most rational choice ever.  

 

Also, did you just call a relationship a gig?   I think if you're looking at it as just work, the problem might be you, not the dudes.   

 

Finally, just because you're a cop, it doesn't mean you're badass.  Nor are you more badass than every single other guy in existence.   Not all guys are as insecure as you make them out to be, because women cops?   Tons of 'em are married, or in relationships.   

 

12% in: "They also provided a service.   Since the police stopped going after brothel owners and operators, the number of violent crimes including sexual and rape had declined to the point that rapes were rare."

 

Fuck you, book.   This is not how to prevent rapes at all.   

 

15% in: "'Thank you.'   Daisy handed over half of what she owed, the rest would be paid after the event."

 

Nope, not how brothels work.

 

18% in: "The alien approached and dropped to what would be his knees, but she wasn't sure." 

 

What would be his knees if he were human?   She wasn't sure he was alien?   She wasn't sure that should be his knees if he were human?   This whole sentence is messy. 

 

23% in: "Something suctioned to her arm, causing her to shiver."

 

 

Sexy, amiright?/sarcasm

 

31% in: "She clenched her muscles, but his wicked limb did magic on her, and she relaxed, allowing the tip to slip into her ass."   

 

 Seeing as his limb is wicked, I'm taking it that it's some kind of evil voodoo.   Also, is he evil, or just his tentacle?   If it's just the tentacle, would this be an epic battle in which he tries not to ass-fuck women... and his tentacle wins?

 

35% in: "He helped her dressed and pushed her toward the door."   

 

*facepalm*

 

When this fails grammar wise, it does it fairly spectacularly, no?  

 

37% in: "Daisy turned and walked out the door to pay, glad that she'd let Steve talk her into experience this amazing place."

 

More grammar failage. 

 

38% in: "On her next night off, Daisy headed to the sex shop, ignoring the bad smells of the district and the graffiti covered buildings."

 

Of the district or of the sex shop?   Perhaps it's the place you're going that's making the distract stanky, given that it's selling sex.  

 

39% in: "The desk guy smiled like he remembered her..."   

 

Desk guy?   DESK GUY?   The attendant, the secretary, the guy behind the desk, but desk guy?   Seriously?   

 

39% in: "'Oh,' the desk guy shook his head."  

 

Obviously 'desk guy' wasn't a typo or a one-time description.  

 

41% in: "Daisy, left, depression sucking at her."   

 

Much like the tentacle was sucking at her skin earlier.  

 

 

 

42% in: "She entered the shop and the guy at the desk smiled.

 

So much better. 

 

47% in: "The desk worker..."

 

FML.   Back to this. 

 

48% in: "...she didn't like the vibe at the sex shop."

 

Too easy.  I leave you with this. 

 

 

(I lied.  So, couldn't she have just picked up another sex toy?   Maybe she should try one of the tentacles at the sex shop, since that's what she went for there, anyway.)

 

53% in: "'I don't think about it.   I just go, get fucked by some alien tentacles and then leave.'"  

 

 

That's pretty much about how much sense that sentence made. 

 

64% in: "'Fine, Steve, get the other's down first while I try to find a key.'"

 

Overuse of the apostrophe. 

 

68% in: "Hessic turned away from her, his gaze stayed downcast."

 

Underuse of the semicolon. 

 

74% in: "The sharp clip of heals on the flooring..."

 

Heals and heels.   They aren't the same thing. 

 

76% in: "Hessic moved to stand over Parker, hie torso heaved with each breath."

 

More underuse of the semicolon. 

 

79% in: "'I need to participate in killing these pigs.   They took too much from me and I need this.'"  

 

Yeah, telling a cop you need to kill people seems like the smartest move ever. 

 

81% in: "'Okay.   Come with us, but stay safe.   They'll have guns.'"

 

So, after the cop thinks that letting him go vigilante and kill his abusers is a bad idea, she gives in.   And tells him to stay safe because those assholes will have guns.   What?   You're taking someone who's been chained up and forced to have sex for money - none of which he ever saw - for a year or so and taking him to face, and kill, his abusers - without any protection at all.   Let's add him having some limbs cut off to that pile of shit.

 

Oh, yeah, it sounds like he'll be stable enough to take out, and won't have any PTSD, and won't hesitate at all.   Moron.   Didn't some kind of training help  you deal with victims?   Did you forget this because you love the feel of his tentacles in your ass?  

 

86% in: "She was willing to let him do away with Sontag.   The man had imprisoned innocents, forcing them to be sex slaves."  

 

What the fuck?   You're not Dredd, this isn't 2099 AD, and you don't have the right to be judge, jury, and executioner all rolled into one.   I hope you get fired, you horrible example of a police officer.  

 

87% in: "When they arrived at Sontag's property, they snuck in, entering through an unlocked back door."

 

This guy is a criminal.   Why would he leave his backdoor unlocked?   Unlawful entry is only slightly better than breaking and entering, and since you're a cop, you shouldn't be doing either, MC.

 

87% in: "Hessic didn't hesitate to take the man's life.  It was over quickly and they retreated, going back to the hotel to rendezvous  with his men."

 

Not worrying about anyone throwing a bitch fit that they'd murdered anyone, nor bothering to wipe the crime scene, or burn it down, or destroying any physical evidence that they'd been there.   Morons.   I hope you two get caught. 

 

90% in: "...the meaty rod between his legs..."

 

 

91% in: "'I want you to possess me.'"

 

Possessing and fucking.    They aren't the same thing.  I love how sensitive you are, because you're saying this to someone who was a sex slave for a year - where possession and sex could have become linked to a great degree.   

 

92% in: "Her orgasm hit and her pussy gushed."

 

Yeah, this was clearly written for women, so this is all that matters.   Using sexual slavery as a cheap plot point to make this work is obviously okay so long as Shitty Female Cop orgasms.   

 

96% in: "'Your beauty erased all the ugly I've dealt with over the past year.   You saved me.   I'll be forever in your debt.'"

 

Let me translate.   "I was horrifically scarred by a year of slavery and sexual abuse.   Your magical vagina saved me, Mary Sue, and now I have absolutely no mental scarring, and I'm not even bugged that I lost a couple limbs.   That's how magical your lady parts are.   I mean, I know I just escaped tonight, and under any other circumstances, the thought of more sex would scare the shit out of me... but your vagina is so sparkly and shiny and *magical* that I need it, and love it, and it heals me."

 

I even used the word heals properly.   You're welcome, author.   

 

97% in: "The strange alien, who looked almost human except for his tentacles, had wormed his way into her heart."

 

Much like his tentacles had wormed their way into her ass. 

 

 

I think that's the high point for me to end this review on.