Grimlock ♥ Ultra Magnus

It's authors like Sophie Monroe, and their apologist and enabler reviewers who fawn over these books who are at least partially responsible for the illiteracy rate in this country. Yeah, you guys are why the Europeans rightly think we're illiterate hillbilly fuckwads. So fuck you for that. Because the more I think about this book, the more it pisses me off that I actually read the whole fucking thing. 

It was hilarious at the time, but then I finished and didn't have any laugh-out-loud mistakes to look forward to, and I was just angry. Fuck you for that, too. 

Please preface all my grammar lessons with, 'it goes without saying that I shouldn't need to say this if you're older than ten.' Also note that I could write a thesis in the time it would take me to organize this shit by grammatical error, so it's by timeline in the book as noted by location. 

Location 49: Jules describes Noah as her, "friend/boyfriend." This just pisses me off because it's not an intelligent way of describing somewhere between friend and boyfriend. Also, boyfriend has 'friend' in it, so hello redundancy. Don't worry - we'll be seeing redundancy again. 

Location 65: "Noah is hot!" How descriptive! And the phrasing and exclamation point don't combine to make you sound like a teenager in heat! Good going, there. 

"He's a little over six feet tall and muscular, but not buff." Yet the definition of buff is, "being in good physical shape with fine muscular tone." So, buff *is* muscular. You can be muscular - or buff - but not totally ripped, but not muscular but not buff. But, good job using the dictionary there. 

"His piercing blue eyes compliment his short dark hair exceptionally nice." This is where I realized that I was going to be laughing out loud all the time. Exceptionally well, or nicely, would have done without making you look like said illiterate hillbillies. 

Location 73: "I looked at his messy case of bedhead." From the Urban Dictionary: "Bed Head. Hair messed up and untidy after sleep." Hello again redundancy, and I see you brought along your friend awkward sentence structure. I want to point out I'm only 2% into reading this now. 

The alarm Location 83: "I closed my eyes until the alarm went off again." Um, except it never went off in the first place. 

Location 103: "My mother's polished appearance was only a facade. She was a mean woman that resented me..." I'd say redundancy, but I don't want to fall into that trap of becoming redundant myself. Also, show me how she's this bitch; telling me doesn't make me emotionally connect to the trauma so I don't connect to the character at all. 

Location 139: "Abigail Kline was selfish, self-centered and egotistical. If it didn't work for her, she wasn't happy." Same issues as location 103.

Location 144: "I was an accident and she never let me forget it. She recently started dating a much older man, Clark Donahue." What the hell does the first have to do with the second sentence? It's almost like stream-of-consciousness done really poorly. 

Location 164: "We were laughing because trying to tickle me." Trust me, I'm laughing, too. And I'm not getting tickled. Add in a pronoun, and the sentence makes sense, but isn't as funny. "I was laughing because he was trying to tickle me." 

Location 180: "His blue eyes pierced into mine." That sounds painful for Jules, and messy for both of them. Did anyone else see the Romero plank into an eyeball scene just there? 

Location 184: "Then I wouldn't have to see her ever again if I didn't want to, the chances were pretty good." The chances were pretty good of what? It's an awkward sentence that doesn't immediately make this clear. "Then I wouldn't have to see her again if I didn't want to. What were the chances of that?" Almost the same thing, but you immediately understand the sentence and you don't get mocked for not knowing your grammar. 

"I cried as tears poured down my face." I'm glad this was clarified. Because I get to see my good friend redundancy again, and I wasn't sure - were the tears leaking up her face? Did they dissolve into thin air? Thankfully, the author doesn't keep us in suspense here. 

Location 219: "He was beaming at me and told me I looked gorgeous (he would say that if I was dressed in a potato sack.)" This one was a puzzle. Where do I start? The cliche? The run-on sentence? The awkward use of the parathesis? "He was beaming at me, and told me I looked gorgeous. Of course, he would say that if I dressed in a potato sack." 

Location 222: "Neither of addressed the fact that I was leaving." Neither of whom? Maybe it was a madlibs that she forgot to fill in. "Neither of ____(prounoun) addressed the fact that I was leaving." But Sophie, and Jules, both seem to have issues with pronouns. 

Location 231: "We went back to our room and made love for the first time. It was perfect and not anything like I expected it to be. It was as if we'd done it a hundred times, like we were made for each other." This? This is the 'we meet again, and I can't live without you,' sex scene? What. The. Fuck. I mean, cliche-ridden sex that makes me go, 'meh,' is not sizzling or hot or made of any emotional content. None. At all. 

Location 241: "The thought of running kept popping up but I squashed it down but I didn't want to leave him either." It's not the first time, nor the last, that Sophie will try to kill of all commas that ever existed. 


Location 256: "I treaded through the rest of the day before heading to work." No definition of treaded makes sense here. None. She trod lightly through the rest of the day is the closest, but is awkward at best. 

Location 278: "He was sweet as pie and had offered me a multitude of extravagant gifts to be his giflfriend (he was only partly kidding.)" Surprised that this combo came back from 219? I'm not. (I'm not even partly kidding.)

Location 296: "I haven't spoken with my mother since a couple months after we moved to New York." So, this is nonsensical for either one of two reasons - either Ellie and Jules moved to New York, and this is my non-shocked face as Sophie completely ignores the rules of grammar and misuses pronouns again. Or it was her and her mom who moved to New York, except that it's once again, following something that doesn't make sense - that is how happy Jules is to get off her shift as a stripper. 

Location 349: "I was typing away when I looked at the clock I realized it was already seven." The problem here? "I was typing away when I looked at the clock and realized it was only seven." One word. She's so often one word off, I've started wondering if she's not trolling like ComicsNix does. 

Location 356: "I tossed my black-framed glasses onto my desk and rubbed my eyes. I jumped in the shower and lathered up my Love Spell lotion. I blow-dried my hair and picked out a black leather pleated skirt..." You know what, this speaks for itself. But I'll say that this goes on for a while, boring the hell out of me as she falls into the noun-verb slump here. No, I'm going to point out that this goes on for pages. Ugh. 

Location 399: "He slapped my ass and I fought the urge to slap him in the face. I felt bad because he was an overall good buy, but he was a total perv." Yeah, don't you hate those guys you just love except when they're groping you? Because I know if a guy doesn't honk at my boobs or slap my ass every now and then, I start to get suspicious that he's doing something evil. 

Location 416: "I was doing it like my tuition was depending on it, it was. 
Elli and I met in the middle of the stage and she handed me a pice of paper I unfolded it and read it quickly." Punctuation, again. I'm now theorizing that Sophie and punctuation are mortal enemies. I can see her typing and cackling, 'take that (punctuation'). Commas in front of the and in the second and third sentences. Also, Ellie notices the guy while stripping, doesn't stop performing, and yet writes a note to pass to Jules. Unless she's got a pad and pen in her vagina, and also trained her vagina to swivel juuust right, she didn't have time to write that damn note. But now I wanna meet a stripper who can write with her vag alone. 

Location 426: "When I got my whit's back." Wits. Whit's. They're different things. 

Location 453: "She shimmied out of her shorts and tossed her tank in Adam's face before heading onto the stage. I swear he sniffed it. Gross." This is the overall good guy perv. Yeah, this sounds kinda like a pervy move. 

Location 505: Noah won't introduce Jules to Jackson. Jackson whines, "'Come on man, don't be like that. Hoes before bros and all that.'" Yes, hoes before bros is what Noah is practicing. It's always good to know that idioms are understood, and repeated correctly. Bros before hoes, Sophie. That is the bro code. 

Location 528: "'I wouldn't do that to you Jules.'" Why? Why do you hate commas, Sophie? (Also, see how I used it properly there?)

Location 528: "'I'm not yours Noah...'" I'm only fourteen percent in, guys.

Location 537: "I flinched when he called me Jujube but I couldn't turn around." Comma before but.

Location 544: "I started my car a pulled into the crisp New York City night before I let the tears fall." Why is it so hard to type the full word and?

Location 564: "'He's good looking, I mean really good looking.' Even I could admit that he looked amazing. 'I thought you would want to know he left right after you did.'" Ellie is speaking. Jules is agreeing, even if only in thoughts. Jules' thoughts shouldn't interrupt Ellie's speech.

Location 605: "I stood on line..." Usually i stand in line, but whatever. I guess standing on the people works. Kinda. 

Location 646: "'Since when did you resort to stalking, Noah?' I said..." Asked. It's asked when there's a question mark, especially when you expect an answer. 

Lcoation 651: "'Who lit the fuse on your tampon?'" Yeah, insulting people really wins them over, Noah. And also this is the super sweet guy? Yeah, whatever, douchebag. I'd totally light you on fire if you asked me this. 

Location 672: "He was absently playing with a string on his sweater." Absently means not there. Absentmindedly, perhaps? God, I'm glad writers know words. 

Location 718: "Carrie snapped bitchiliy." As opposed to snapping with a sweet demeanour? Hello again, redundancy. 

Location 742: "I still coulden't believe that I saw Jules; it was like seeing a ghost." Or, you know, someone who you haven't seen for a while, but is still alive. 

"She looked amazing but she was always stunning." How do you know? You haven't seen her for ten years. Maybe she gained a thousand pounds, then lost it all again. 

Location 806: "... and a tight hoodie that made her boobs look like a couple flotation devices, but I knew they were all Jules." Oh. My. God. Plus, again, haven't seen her for ten years. Maybe she's 90% plastic. 

Location 918: "'We'll go out for a beer and talk about it like men." Do real men point out that they do anything like real men?

Location 1073: "We were became instant best friends." *facepalm*

Location 1153: "The dining room table was glas and had eight black leather chairs." I love how she can go into detailed descriptions, but it's too fucking hard to type, 'around it,' at the end of that sentence. 

Location 1169: "'Do you want a tour? We can watch a movie or we could talk. whatever you want is fine.'" Her answer is, 'sure', but there are three options. Clarify, please. 

Location 1233: "When we locked eyes for a momnent in time it was like we had never been apart." I just gave up trying to figure this one out. 

Location 1402: "...I could tell subconsciously." I don't think you know what subconsciously means. Or how to use a dictionary. 

Location 1445: "He was moving in and out slowly, as if he was making love." First of all, that's a euphimism for what he's doing, yes. And this is supposed to be sexy?

Location 1467: "When we got out he wrapped me in a plush white towel. 

We decided to walk around the city..." You can get arrested for that if you don't clothe yourself first. 

Location 1530: "'Worse day ever!'" I whined to Ellie." *facepalm. repeat. many times*

Location 1562: "I shook what my momma didn't give me..." I'm seeing surprise shemale sex here. 

Location 1595: "...to shocked..." Too.

Location 1630: "...making the look in his eyes turn feral." All I could think of was, 'rabies aren't sexy!'

Location 1748: "Carrie's my daughter and I love her dearly, but she's a bitch." I now want to hear someone utter this in real life, even if they're only acting. I think it would be even more hilarious. 

Location 1765: "'...Noah, all that stuff that I just disclosed stays doesn't leave this room...'" Other than the obvious, I have a hard time seeing a senior partner saying, 'sutff', in this manner, and wouldn't he be savy enough to get Noah to agree before saying all that?

Location 1788: "...subconsciously sniffed her hair..." Now I know you don't know what subconsciously means. 

Location 1870; "Of cousre I was even more curious what he did all day." I'm tired. I'm so tired of explaining this all. Words missing. 

Location 1908: "'Does my good boy want shower sex?' I cooed... he grinned excitedly, like a kid on Chrismas." This doesn't seem like a pedo-kink, or creepy. At all. 

Location 1918: "...dressed cursory. Noah came out of the bedroom and started laughing at me." Maybe because you used the phrase, 'dressed cursory.' 

Location 1972: "It the first I heard." You're missing a was. 

Location 1982: "The fact that Reid was said it was..." *facepalm*

Location 1987: "Ellie handed me my bag and Noah headedme to his Jeep." Herded maybe? Because she's his bitch. 

Location 2006: "'Now what do you want me to do now?'" Can I have a cupcake now? I feel like I deserve one. 

Location 2033: "...we were been in position..." Fuck you, author. 

Locaiton 2047: "'Regardless, I love you.'" I'm just super surprised she didn't use irregardless. 

Location 2092: "She had gone from souther belle to gheto queen in all of five seconds." How awesome would a southern belle/ghetto queen stripper be? I know, right. 

Location 2099: "I hung up the phone with him." I keep seeing her picking up a dude, and using him as a piece of equiptment which she uses to hang up the phone. Does that make sense? I can't tell anymore. Dear god, someone, get me out or show me my Ethan Van Sciver Wolverine before I poke my eyes out with rusty metal. 

Location 2156: "...incase you want me to leave." In case. 

Location 2200: "He was enjoying sewing his oats." My vag closed up before he could get to it. Sowing his oats. 

Location 2205: "'I mean seriously' I nearly chocked..." The I isn't the one who's speaking, so 'I nearly choked should start a new paragraph. Also, now Sophie's trying to phase out periods. 

Location 2209: "'...you should totally date with my best friend..." No need for the with. 

Location 2245: "I placed her on the bed and took my jacket off sliding in next to her." Multiple commas needed.

Location 2291: "She started balling my eyes out..." Sounds painful for him, and messy for them both. 

Location 2358: "We headed to the outskirts of town and when we pulled I could tell she was excited." I'm not doing lessons anymore. I already want to curl up into a ball, rock, and cry. 

Location 2405: "..incase Jules noticed." In Case. 

Location 2412: "I was already expecting the worse..." Fuck you, author. 

Location 2205: Talking about Carrie, the daughter's boss, Ellie says, "'...I didn't like, her bosses dauther or not.'" So close. So very close to using the comma properly. 

Location 2530: "...before pulling up in front of small house blue house..." She really wants us to know it's a house. Although she misses the 'a' in front of the first house. (Yeah, I can't not do lessons, but it's slowly killing me here.)

Location 2540: "...willowy blonde came down the hallway. She was tall and slender." Which is the definition of willowy. If you use willowy, you don't have to define it in the next sentence.

Location 2548: "'...I am going to take a couple viles of blood.'" Vials of blood.

Location 2556: "...because he helped me heal in more ways than he will ever know." Past to present tense. 

Location 2559: "She paused looking sad." Another comma bites the dust. 

Location 2650: "I remained looking at him intently." Can I not live on this planet anymore?

Location 2677: "I handed him the thick blinder containing my thesis." I'm too tired and sick of the illteracy to even laugh at this one the second time around. 

Location 2736: "I was going to end things the same way the ended ten years ago."

Location 2780: "'Why can't you guy's see what's right in front of your fucking faces!...'" Guy's and question mark not exclamation mark. 

Location 2882: "'...now that she knows that she can't have them..." Can't not cant. 

Location 3117: "...suffering would be in vein..." Sounds like more viles of blood. 

Location 3483: "We had a perfect vantage point to see everything but where we couldn't be spotted." I... what?

Location 3572: "'It was never my intention of hurting you..." Or to hurt you? But really, it feels like Sophie kinda thinks she knows what idioms are, so just takes a stab in the dark without really getting them. 

Location 3588: "I hugged her back when Noah's dad John came into the foyer and stole me from June." Fuck you. Just... fuck you. I can't do this anymore. 

Location 3606: "I thought my mom was going to have a heart attack when I told her that Jules spend five years..." And fuck you again. 

Location 3672: "'Thanks so do you." I'm pretty sure commas hate you as much as I do right now. 

Location 3714: "'Why she wants a duffus like you..." Yeah, duffus is about what I'd expect from you. 

Location 3733: "...opted for cupcakes instead of a tradition cake." Sighs. It's too tiring to be angry, so I'm just tired now. 

Location 3744: "'Oh my gosh really.'" No, no. I can still be angry. Fuck you again. 

Location 3757: "Ellie walked into the bedroom and said that Jackson already asleep on the couch." Fuck. You. 

Location 3790: "So don't ever lose hope and give up, everything turns out okay and the good guy always wins." This clarifies so much. And still, fuck you. 

I deserve to pee after two hours of this. And a drink. And another drink. And a chocolate peanute butter cupcake. 

And maybe a good cry and to curl up in a corner, rocking back and forth. 

Question for anyone who knows law better than I do - is it legal to use lyrics, up to the full song, or Winnie-the-Pooh quotes? She says where they come from, but don't you have to pay the guy who wrote the lines to use them?

Thanks. 

A very tired, pissed off, and relived to be done with this Coaxial Creature.