Grimlock ♥ Ultra Magnus

There were some GIFs that probably won't show up here.   I'm too tired to track them down and cut and paste, and this book doesn't deserve the effort to do it later, so... You won't get Gene Hunt dancing - hot - or drinking - hotter.  

So, guys, I have both some New Amsterdam Peach Vodka and Single Malt Scotch Whiskey. My boys insist the Vodka - which is a nip - is girlier because far less of it, and *peach flavored*. So they also insist I drink it first. Same thing as my first drunk review. Sip every time something infuriates me. I'm a cheap date, I may start drunk spelling very quickly on vodka, and may make many Life on Mars references to it. Or start using GIFs of Gene because I'll be giggling, and going, god, Philip Glenister is so, so pretty...

I'm going to assume I'm going to get too drunk to do location numbers, so I won't. I'm also not going to do an overview, just a sip because the main characters - Jagger and a piece of pussy he starts eyeing after kidnapping her - are too damn stupid to live. Let's see if peach vodka tastes good... No, it's so gross. So very, very gross. (Yeah, I might start bitching about the taste. And getting sleepy. But I am doing this in Microsoft word again, so hopefully the red will keep me from making too many mistakes. Vodka gets warm immediately.)

One drink because she capitalizes familial names. ‘Your Father, my Sister, our Mother.’ It drives me up the fucking wall!

I'm also not hilarious when drunk. Unless I start drunk spelling and then you can laugh at how illiterate I've become. Let's start with Gene drinking. Because pretty!



"She's in a tight black dress and has legs to go knows where." What? I fee like tenses and phrases all got put in a blender here. More peachy warmness.

"While I have a nice body, I'm not what most men go for, being that I'm not blonde with huge knockers." First of all, this is a presumption, one that's based on a diet of what's shown as being most desirable on TV. The implication is that no one would notice her, really, and I want to smack the crap out of her for this. More peachy warmness.

"I turn and face one of the most devastating men I have ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes on." First of all, you ended with a preposition. You're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition. Second of all, did you mean devastatingly handsome? Because devastating is quite different. More peachy warmness.

“his hair is messy and under the light is looks black but it could be dark brown. His eyes are light blue, so light they look like glass. His skin is that creamy olive...” Except that she says the light distorts his hair color, but then sounds very confident about the eye and skin color. I’m confused, so I’m drinking. 

“Beautiful? I’ve been called hot, sexy and even fuckable but beautiful? Never beautiful.” I find it hard to believe someone’s called her fuckable trying to get into her pants - but hasn’t resorted to beautiful. I’m so getting drunk so quickly, aren’t I? Oh my god. Vodka is so disgusting. 

“Cheeky shit.” Should I make a disgusting joke about someone not being able to wipe well enough? Hell, I’m drinking just to try and erase that image as quickly as possible. 

“He seems to be fixed on me and only me.” Fixated? Drinking now. 

“’I know, he seems fixed on me and only me.” It still doesn’t mean fixated, dammit. I may be angry because I don’t want to drink again. I’m going to try and wash out the taste with some water.

“’Do you think he’s like... a stalker or something?’
I laugh and wave a drunken hand in her face. ‘No, God, he’s nice.’” You just met him two seconds ago, and he’s fixated - not fixed - on you already. Sounds kinda creepy to me. You are so too damn stupid to live. Drinking again. 

“They say instinct tells you when something is wrong, or your gut, whichever you’d like to go with.” Ending with a preposition - again - and also this sentence is so, so awkwardly composed. Also, instinct, gut feelings, are kinda the same thing, or close enough that I’m not sure what distinction she’s trying to make. Goddamit. I’m going to be drunk off my ass and pass out before I finish this book. 

“It isn’t a crammy cell...” Do you mean cramped? Like it isn’t a cramped space, because it’s spacious? 

“... I see across his back, in big, black letters, he has written ‘JAGGER.’” The man is talented if he can write that on his own back, and it’s legible enough for her to read each letter. It doesn’t make him less of a pussy, though, which is a shame. 

“’Why am I here?’ I ask, my voice is hoarse and my throat is dry.” Dear author, please use to semi-colons. 

“Maybe I’m being punked, yes that would make sense.” It makes a hell of a lot more sense than the actual plot. Or the author’s lack of commas and semi-colons.

“I clamp my eyes shut, don’t cry, be strong.” Is she telling me to do this? Because it doesn’t read like her own thoughts as it’s presented here. So awkward I’m going to drink some more.

“’I’ll never give in to you; mark my words I will get out of here!’” So, now you can use a semi-colon, but commas still elude you? What. The. Fuck.

“I should know better, I’m Twenty Two years old!” So you immediately lose the capability to use semi-colons, and go back to your weird-ass, random capitalizations? Fantastic. 

“I thought he was dead, only to find out he’s alive and going illegal things.” Think you could vague that up for me some more? Commiting crimes - oh, god, I can’t spell committing now - or felonies or some shit sounds more impressive, and less like you’re a four year old little girl.

“I would get out of here though, one way or another, I would be free.” The return of the run on sentence. Fuck you, book. 

“Deep slashes from a piece of glass will be forever burned into my skin.” You know what leaves burns? Fire. Hot things. Not slashes. Fail. 

“I snort to myself, what an absurd thought to be having right now.” Run-on sentence.

“...my eyes blurring from sleep.” Am I just too drunk to understand this? Because I apparently couldn’t when I was reading this sober. The vodka feels like it’s burning now. (Which is another non-slashy thing that can burn!)

“There was once though, because even through my hard time, I thought it was odd.” Why is this sentence structure so fucked? And hard time sounds silly at best. Like illegal things sounds silly and immature. 

“It’s very modern, with wooden floors, pale walls, and shiny fnishing’s.” Apostrophes were feeling left out. They were starting to feel like the only bit of punctuation you weren’t bad touching. Now, they know it’s not just them. (Even if you do abuse commas and semi-colons far more often than apostrophes.) Apparently I get inappropriate when drunk, too. I’m also giggling like a girl for no good reason. 

Jagger explains the name: “’Johnny, Aiden, Greg, George, Eddie and Rusty, that’s their first names and together it spells Jagger, so I got that name because I started the group. All the boys expect Rusty go by created names, which is what you hear me call them; Angel, Ace, Bull and Snake.’” More semi-colon abuse. And also, way to be stealthy. ‘We use created names, but even though you know what we look like, and you’re our captive, let me give you all our first names so you have an easier time identifying us, captive.’ Moron. 

“He nods and leads me back to my room, when he’s about to clsoe the door, I whisper, ‘Thank you.’” This sentence doesn’t make sense. Neither does the fact that I’m still typing legibly, so... good on me. 

“Quickly, he pulls on the hard front and nods stilly.” The hard front of what? The door? Their eyes meeting? Because between that last quote, and this, their eyes meet, and that’s it. So, so confused as to what this sentence means. Oh, wait, puts on the hard front? Does that make sense?

“He steps forward and I shuffle backward, he smirks. I have learnt Jagger’s smirk is so far from a smile, it’s not funny.” Aren’t smirks usually different from smiles? I’m not sure what she’s trying to convey here - are we supposed to be afraid of Jagger when he smirks? 

“I open the fridge and pull out some chicken, luckily for him I can cook.” Hopefully better than you can use grammar. Which is not well at all. 

“He stars at me for long moments...” Most people just say a long moment. But whatever. 

“I dig through the medicine cupboard, come on, please. YES! I find a jab of laxatives... pour the whole bottle in. I take a tiny taste, to make sure it’s not too obvious, but the garlic and tomato rule it out.” I kinda get why she does this, but ew. I wouldn’t risk it. Mostly, though, why would captives leave something as dangerous as a medicine cabinet where their captive can get to it? Morons. 

“I have to be quick and witty about it.” Quick, yes. But this is your escape - I’d emphasize getting the fuck out of there over smart-ass replies. 

“Ok, I know that’s stupid because I deserve that gun being pointed at me, but it still hurts.” Let’s recap. You get kidnapped, stab your attacker - I think, hurt him, anyway - then he points a gun at you. You not only think that you deserve a gun in your face, but it hurts your feelings? You are too stupid to live. And Jagger is a big costumed girl for letting you live longer than it takes for you to nurse him up. Two damn drinks, one each for you two being such huge idiots. 

“Gee, I can’t guess why?” Look, bitch, if you can’t, then I can’t. I get mean when I’m drunk. And I need to pee. I’m afraid if I get up I won’t finish this damn review, though. Oh my god, I’ve had so damn much vodka. I’m giggling like all the time. I also want to watch Life on Mars, but it’ll make me sad because I left the DVDs at the studio. And I’ll be like this book doesn’t deserve something that good. Maybe crappy Life on Mars. 

Except I'm too tired to finish going through all my notes. My head is rolling around, and I'm giggly, and almost fell on my face and killed myself going to the bathroom. I'm calling it a night. This book was so stupid - the charries were one dimensional, the plotline was absurd, and look at all the grammatical errors for yourself. 

This is for me, now, because I drank all that disgusting vodka.