Grimlock ♥ Ultra Magnus

HOLY SHITBALLS!  I was looking for some bizarro fiction.  

Instead I got word salad, and some of the wrongest sex scenes ever.

 "I was trying to write something profound while pounding out beers, but it seemed insane."

Pounding out beers does sound kinda insane.

"Finally I climaxed so hard my head swam from the loss of blood."

If  you're losing blood when climaxing, you're doing it wrong.   

Heh.   Doing it.   Because just in case no one else is going to point out that immature bit of wordplay, I'm going to. 

"My balls flip flapping in the cold air."

All the sex in this is wrong.   I've been laughing so hard for like five minutes over this one line that I started to choke.   Someone in the house thought I was dying, too.  Or crying in a severe depression.

There's no way I can read this line out loud without laughing so hard I do end up choking and dying, so I didn't bother trying to explain it to them.

Then again, I kept visualizing this when I thought of this line: 

"Your sperm has millions in it, and from each one we use to augment my species."

There are millions of what in his sperm?   Nope, we never get that answer.  

"My heart beat faster as my eyes walk over her body."

I'd be freaking out if my eyes started to walk, too, so fair point book. 

"Wary of my first encounter of her that ended with me sticking my cock into a large bunny..."

Again, fair point book.   

"My heart was a snake wanting to strike the miniature romero..."

Romeo?

"The little man had wormed his way into my ex wife's vagina was a little toad that needed punishment."

The sex is all wrong.   This reads that the whole man wormed his way into her vagina.   And now she's loosing blood because you can't do sex properly, book. 

"...his screams matched his spent semen that dribbled on the floor..."

He's taking revenge on the dude who wormed his way into his ex's vagina.

"'It's time to play, you sneaky little toad!'"

Play.   Pay.   They're actually not the same words. 

"It was silver, and stinged with a hint of green."

Stinged.   Your clue is as good as mine.

"I felt a flush of excitement, and I glanced again at my sword and thought of my hardness pining for Millie..."

Well played, book.   Least subtle sword-as-phallic-replacement ever.   And is anyone else a little freaked out by the fact that his sword makes him hard, and then he thinks, 'hey, I'm hard and want my ex-wife'?

"I picked up and felt my body and my teeth."

Because apparently his teeth aren't a part of his body?   Or he just really feels them?

"Everything was in place, so that at least kept my fear from screaming."

My fear is a well behaved pet and never screams.  Maybe get it some treats or something?

"I turned at was looking at a head in a jar of some fluid."

I know sentence structure writing good.   

"She was working it, and my cock was biting at the fabric of my pants."

Penis dentata anyone?

And the sex continues to be wrong. I think I'll leave it here.