Grimlock ♥ Ultra Magnus

So, on Monday, I had my usual dinner.   One of the men, who has tried to sleep with me multiple times (and which I can now say, oh, it didn't work because of, y'know, me) put his hands on me in a way that made me feel very uncomfortable.  I didn't know how to say anything for a list of reasons:

1.  I thought I would get mocked.  I used the Buffet/greasy hands issue, and still got mocked, so...

2. I let him touch me before, so I was afraid I would be called a cocktease/bitch.   He's told me I've teased him when mentioning that along with my weight loss, my bra size went down, which since he likes big boobs I was hoping would go the other way so he stopped saying as much shit to me.   It makes it much harder for me to tell him to stop now, though, because I'm afraid that anything I can say will be turned back on me. 

3. Tying into two. He's flat out told me I want sex.   Flat out.   Because no one can be this interested in sex/horny without wanting sex - supposedly with a human, supposedly with a dude, supposedly with him.   When I argued that, hey, people are fascinated by dinosaurs, but won't get to meet one... 

His argument was no, you must want sex.  Because I can't possibly be confounded by - and obsessed by something that everyone else seems to do, but I just don't understand.   I can't be desperate to understand in some small way.  I can't possibly still trying to be covering up due to years of learning to do that to fit in.   I must just want to jump on his dick.   (And yes, he's also told me he'd prefer I jump on his dick than talk to him, so...)

4. How do you explain that he respects slapping your ass - he asks if it's okay, and thus gives you a choice - but that the way he rubbed your back made you want to cry because he didn't ask, he didn't say anything, so you felt like you belonged to him?   Because I understand why someone might say that doesn't make sense, but I wasn't in the mood to be touched in a proprietary way at all on Monday, and it felt way too casual.   It felt like he took for granted that he had the right to touch you when and how and where he wanted. 

5.  When a woman changes her mind - you were allowed to slap my ass and now you're not - it's often, once again, turned on her.   When she simply doesn't want to be touched that day, it can be her fault because she liked it before.   And I felt stuck in that position and just about to cringe.   I didn't realize how much this had affected me, but it has.  

And I don't feel comfortable in that group setting anymore.   I just don't.   And I still want to cry thinking about it.   So me feeling like I won't be fancy or sophisticated enough - I can be both when called for - when I go to this dinner next Thursday is all because of this.   And tying into books, me reading during almost every spare second then is me trying to erase that from having happened.   

I want to tell him that he has to ask before he touches me, but I also was mocked for the greasy hands thing, and laughed at for wearing my Grimlock hoodie.   Which means my confidence is just about shot right now. 

Sorry, y'all.   Sorry if I've been an ass the past couple of days.   This isn't an excuse, just an explanation.   I can't tell if I have been or not, because I'm not in the proper emotional or mental state to evaluate that right now.