I'm a well read grad student who's bluntly honest about all things, although I try to be most honest about myself.
I replace this title with Shitty Book in my mind. It has the most boring, plodding plot, with one of the most unlikable characters I've ever met. She hates all other women, she seems to hate a ton of men, too. She's supposed to be witty and sarcastic and badass. She just comes off as a whiny bitch.
Quotes below the page break. Expect lots of Transformers love. I'll need it.
"Severine was close to making best friends with the dashboard." You know your heroine is unlikable when I would have laughed my ass off if this had happened!
"'I'll release my fluids right here.'" Weirdest way ever to say you're going to pee on the floor.
"His eyes moved over her, up and down." Eyes do the weirdest things in this book! Eyes and gaze are not the same thing, by the way.
"She felt about as thick as tissue paper." I... what?
"He closed his words with a smirk..." And again, I ask, what?
"But it channeled her inner Carrie Bradshaw to lust after every Jimmy Choo and Christian Laboutin available." So, she's trying to be Carrie Bradshaw?
"He held her hand in the air, led her to the floor and shouted loudly, 'Move aside, bitches!'" Can you feel the love here, guys?
"The longer she remained silent, the more apparent the frown covering his brow became." I didn't even know you could frown there!
"'Now that I'm going home with no pussy, you can tag along with me.'" Fuck everyone in this book.
"Jealousy was a dark, ugly color. It was ironic that it was finding its way into Severine's heart." That the color of jealousy was finding it's way into Severine's heart? Impossible maybe, but not ironic. Poetic justice maybe?
"...she hurriedly put the bare minimum of makeup on, brushed her teeth..." after the put the makeup on? Okay then. Did she redo her lipstick then?
"It was an affirmation that everything she was arranging in life should have Macsen included.
His hand reached across the seat and fastened their hands together." No to all of this.
"The truck idled and became silent." Maybe it was just feeling emo.
I warned you about this...
"Severine shifted her eyes around... " I'm seeing Mr. Potato Head action going on here.
"It was dirty; an expression Severine never wanted to see on his face again." This is just awkward, with the semi-colon there.
"Severine would, sooner than later, run over him." Now! Do it now! I hate every single character in this book for loving Severine so much I don't care who the him is now. I want her to run over them all. With the Emo Truck!
"Her mind needed clarity for from everything that belonged to the word Sloan." And again, i ask... what?
"She smelled like cookies." Mumbles something about traditional women's roles and reinforcing them and fuck that.
"It was an unwritten rule for all women. Or, at least for Severine it was." Way not to be wishy washy on that!
"...ratting her hair up into a low ponytail." I don't think you want the word ratting as it brings rattails to mind and that's not attractive.
"She loved Severine fiercly. It'd be the biggest thing they'd always have in common." Well, Severine does love herself something fierce.
"'I'm lacking in attacence since I started college too, Grandma.' In fact, she had lacked attendance in the last few years." Sure, you know your English real good.
"There were prints all over her." Again - what?
"Makeup only illuminated her European features..." Illuminated is not the word you want.
"The bed that she normally hated now looked like the snuggle bear on the Downy containeer. Severine just wanted to cuddle tightly with it."
It's not like I can judge. All this sentence made me want to do was snuggle up with this.
And I repeat. I warned you.
"On a normal night, Severine gave a shit what they did. But all she dreamed of doing was having a sweet, sweet sleep affair with her bed."
You know who I want my affair with.
He's the one lecturing Tailgate on verbs. You were warned. And his head is no longer squished, he no longer has the stupid green color, or robot 'tache, and he got the Ultra Mangus armor back. My excitement over this means a renewed love affair with Magnus. Well, the current Magnus.
"Her eyes drifted back and forth between the two of them slowly." What the fuck is happening with the eyes here?
"'Because my DVR isn't filled with the Kardashians like the bitches you bring home?'
'What bitches am I bringing home?' Thayer challenged."
I need this. I really do.
"The silence around them was compliant." No clue. Nope, just no idea what she's trying to say here.
"The outdoors clung to his clothes. It made Severine want to inhale him." I'd just try to inhale his scent - which would be the scent of the outdoors, apparently - instead of trying to inhale all of him. Because ouch! Maybe Doc Knock can help you figuring that one out.
I warned you guys. Plus, Decepticon doctors are, apparently, hot. Who knew?
"His eyes did a beeline to Thayer." Eyes. Gazes. Not. The. Same. Thing.
"Their eyes engaged." Eyes: eject. Operation: engage.
"Everything between them smelled like rain. A big downpour was coming." Shitty times. They smell like rain.
"'Let's go see an incredibly stupid movie and make fun of it the whole time.'" Why go out? I just stayed in and did that to an incredibly stupid book. See what I did there?
"His eyes bore into hers with questions." He propelled his eyes forward with questions, and they - the eyes, not the questions - then bore into her eyes. Or: Eyes: eject. Operation: destruction.
"Those moments seemed small and probably little to most." Because small and little don't mean the same thing? Me Grimlock no like redundancy.
"His face demanded that she didn't hide her pain." Me Grimlock no like awkward sentence structures.
"'Should I be worrying about you?'
'No, I'm good. I have a boyfriend and he's super dreamy...'"
Rage. So much rage at the 'woman needs a man to be happy' statement this makes. And how that's all that seems to be important. This next picture is to calm me down. Also, because I wish Optimus and Grimlock would team up to take this bitch down.
"'He came with Rennick...'"
And yet, in the same conversation, just a couple sentences later, Severine repeats: "'Rennick was with him though.' Lily's eyebrows rose up in shock." This is why you need proper editors.
"She wanted to connect more punches to his face." Way easier than saying, "she wanted to punch him again. A lot."
"Sleet picked up around them, and Severine could feel it coating her hair. It plastered around her cheeks, making her cold." Wouldn't standing around in sleet be uncomfortable because it's, y'know, sleet?
"Macsen had gone out of his way to bring her pain - whether he knew it or not." Nope. Out of his way implies he tried with intention to bring her pain, which he can't do without knowing.
"Severine recoiled away." Me Grimlock still not like redundancy.
"Macsen recoiled back from her..." Me Grimlock say get to the good part. (It never comes, by the way.)
"A pounding sounded in Ben's house. Severine whipped her head toward the door." So, it sounded from outside, since someone's pounding on the door.
"Too many feelings for one month." Is this really how you measure your feels? Oh, no, can't be angry. Don't want to go over the monthly feel limit! Severine's kind of a freak.
"'Severine, I have a Christian heart, but I still sometimes wanna cut a bitch... well, in this case, it's cut a dick.'" So, why bring the 'bitches' into it? Do you really hate women that much?
"'It's first instinct to point the finger at the female than to blame the male.'" And yet, Severine does this all the time.
"It seemed wrong to Severine that another girl would go so out of her way to cut her down." Me Grimlock not like hypocrites.
"'The theory that you're always seven people away from a dumb whore.'"
Can you excuse me? You're not going to like this dump of sexiness that I need to purge this sentence from my mind.
"If there was anything scarier than a beautiful girl, it was a girl that had brains to go with it." Nope, still angry.
"An iota of peace consumed her smile. The rest was monopolized by hidden discomfort." WHAT?
"Mistake and fucked up, could only get you so far." What's the comma doing there.
"My graphical chart..." No.
"'Severine!' she hissed out. 'Are you with his brother already?'" I'm starting to see why people make these assumptions about her...
"Severine felt a happiness that hadn't been attached to her name in a while." Nope.
"Severine granny-drove..." Is this an actual thing?
"Insane was the perfectly matched word to describe what he was thinking." How is this better than, 'what he was thinking was insane?'
"Fear tried to bite into the heels of her feet." Does it have a foot fetish?
That's mine. Isn't he cute like that? I just needed more of this to keep on trucking. (This is Ultra Magnus' tea, Duly Appointed. Here: http://www.adagio.com/signature_blend/blend.html?blend=47538)
"I'm pretty sure he lives in Czech now." Nope. Czech is a language, not a place.
"In front of her was an older replica of Macsen." Nope, replica means copy, so Mac would be the replica since he's younger.
"His hair was cut short but left longer on the top." This sounds ridiculous.
As ridiculous as this 'tache. And the color.
"Blindly, Severine grasped the edges of her suitcase. The material briefly warped." You need a new suitcase. Or less freakish strength.
"She could feel his regard all over." Nope, no clue.
"They could consist of something further than that." Nope, again, no clue.
"When he moved, the abatement she needed placated through her body." It'll cause too much headache to figure that one out.
"Severine's eyes stayed rooted on the ceiling." Nope. But your eyes keep doing weird and weirder shit.
"His large hand branded her hip." Ouch. Call Ratchet.
"Her eyes drifted from the crisp sheets underneath her body and traveled to Thayer." Who is so creeped out by her roving eyeballs that he screams and runs away.
"Her skin was already forming icicles." Unless she's an Iceman clone, doubtful.
"It was with instinct that she moved closer and wrapped her arms around his neck." I don't think you know what instinct means.
"'How are you going to complete tonight?'" Is tonight a task to complete?
"She intersected his hands from going any further and linked them with her own." Intersected is not the word you want.
"It was his eyes she could feel. They traveled across her skin, slowly." Nope.
"A smile was planted firmly on her face as she stared down at him." Again, no.
"'It's like a slut-a-palooza over there.'"
"Thayer rubbed the bottom of his shoes and solemnly kept his focus on the court." Why is he rubbing the bottom of his shoes?
"Severine stood, without even knowing, for the first time at any game." So much confusion. Is she not aware that she's standing? At the game? That it's her first game? What?
"Thayer tended to surfeit through her." No.
"Pressed against him, she didn't feel the algid temperature." Acid? Frigid? I don't know, but it's like a guessing game here.
"Her eyes stayed connected with Thayer's as she slid off her black tights." That's not how eyes work.
"Where was all her quick wit now?" Absent. Just like it's been throughout this whole book.
"He momentarily looked at Severine but the contact did nothing for her." Nope, no actual contact there.
"Macsen tried to smile. His cracked lips made it impossible." Nope.
"'Tell me again what's going on. This time, explain without being a complete asshole. If you say anything about,' his finger blindly reached behind him and pointed in Severine's direction, 'her, I'll be the one to punch you. You're my son, but you're starting to piss me off now."
NOOOO! Don't defend the misogynist.
"Mathias was too raw, though. He held dark secrets in his eyes and was friendly to no one. 'Welcome to the family, tiger.' He patted her shoulder and smiled widely. 'You've earned your stripes.'" Man, what a dick. He totally wasn't friendly at all to her!
"Jayni's hand briefly paused, before it disappeared altogether." WHERE???? Where did it go?
"Eyes weren't created for sight. They were the portals to someone's past." Yeah, I believe she believes this given how well she understand eyes, and sight.
"The girl wasn't immune to the hot weather; her hair was scrunched and styled. But she just made it look natural, almost windblown to look wild and free. Just for that one reason, Severine hated her." Yup, this is how she decides whom she hates.
That seems like a good ending to this book.
I'm totally deleting it now.
And I need oooone more thing.